Why were you with me if you prioritized other people before me? Were we not a family?
I feel rather venomous all the time. I wish I didn't have to find out what kind of mettle I had and knowing that I would step in, without a second thought, to save a life - let alone doing that twice a month apart. I feel so monstrous that I wish that I had not saved your friend’s life twice. I wish I could have spent that energy, that effort, that emotional labor, on my friend Eric, who passed away the year before. How dare I mourn the loss of my childhood friend to only save your friend twice, and to have to endure the trauma you and your friends put me through.
I wish at times I had gotten in my car and driven away, so I wouldn't have to be like this. How ungrateful you all were of my kindness, my empathy, my compassion, my patience. How close I was to causing you - the person I cared most about - harm. I hate knowing this about myself. You could have been hurt.
And that makes me feel monstrous. Like I am undeserving of love anymore. How can anyone love me, after the way you treated me?
And nobody would truly understand the chain of events that would have gotten me to that point. We would have been on the news, and I would have been demonized with my mental health disorders. Nobody would have thought twice about the circumstances that would have led up to it.
It also took you twelve full days to get them out of our home. I was out of our home for twelve full days during a global pandemic. I had to rely on the kindness of my friends because I couldn’t rely on my own fucking spouse to take care of me and my needs.
I feel rather venomous all the time. I wish I didn't have to find out what kind of mettle I had and knowing that I would step in, without a second thought, to save a life - let alone doing that twice a month apart. I feel so monstrous that I wish that I had not saved your friend’s life twice. I wish I could have spent that energy, that effort, that emotional labor, on my friend Eric, who passed away the year before. How dare I mourn the loss of my childhood friend to only save your friend twice, and to have to endure the trauma you and your friends put me through.
I wish at times I had gotten in my car and driven away, so I wouldn't have to be like this. How ungrateful you all were of my kindness, my empathy, my compassion, my patience. How close I was to causing you - the person I cared most about - harm. I hate knowing this about myself. You could have been hurt.
And that makes me feel monstrous. Like I am undeserving of love anymore. How can anyone love me, after the way you treated me?
And nobody would truly understand the chain of events that would have gotten me to that point. We would have been on the news, and I would have been demonized with my mental health disorders. Nobody would have thought twice about the circumstances that would have led up to it.
It also took you twelve full days to get them out of our home. I was out of our home for twelve full days during a global pandemic. I had to rely on the kindness of my friends because I couldn’t rely on my own fucking spouse to take care of me and my needs.